In 2016, Radio 4 caused a media storm when The Archers, its long running soap opera, introduced a domestic abuse storyline. The victim of the abuse, the character of Helen Archer, was nothing like the stereotype 'abused woman' we have seen so often in the media. The Archers presented us with a middle class, educated, intelligent, financially independent woman suffering terribly within her relationship and it captured the public imagination, and mine. Refuge and Women's Aid had advised the BBC. The National Domestic Abuse helpline reported a 20% increase in calls and a new offence of "Controlling or coercive behaviour in intimate or familial relationships" carrying a maximum sentence of five years' imprisonment, had just been introduced. It felt as if finally we were all waking up to the fact that Domestic Abuse happens across all classes, races, religions and sexual orientation.

Intrigued and moved by the story of Helen, and feeling that this is something I would like to write and speak about, I started researching. I read a lot, contacted incredible organisations like Breaking The Silence, Women's' Aid and Hidden Hurt. The journey also led me to see and understand the great work of The Freedom Programme. Along the way I met women who had been through these experiences. And I learnt that the impact and consequences of living with Domestic Abuse are terrifyingly far reaching. 

Their stories are remarkably similar. At first the victim of abuse is open and trusting and hoping for a relationship where nothing is less than perfect. Then, there are little incidents. In The Archers storyline that I had found so engrossing, Helen has a minor accident in her car. Her husband explains that it is best she no longer drives. Like so many women she finds that responsibility, social contact and financial independence are gradually removed and controlled. Isolation is the key for the abuser, the perpetrator. When the victim of their abuse is dependent emotionally, physically and financially control will tighten and victims report that their self-esteem plummets leaving them locked in a relationship that has become a cage

Often, I found from my research, the abuse becomes physical but by this point, the victim is so ashamed that they are barely able to function and if eventually they find the courage to leave, a difficult journey begins. The relationship leaves scars; low sell-esteem, loss of friends and social disenfranchisement, the struggle of learning how to cope with simple things again, confused and angry children and extended families, financial insecurity and often overwhelming feelings of loneliness and shame.

Deeply moved by all I had been learning, I decided to take this narrative and through music, try to elucidate the terrible consequences that ensue from a cycle of domestic abuse. I was hoping also, to show this as a journey into recovery. I hope to reach people who might have experienced or are experiencing this abuse.

Alongside my unfailingly supportive Producer Tim Hutton, I began to search for songs.  Tim's knowledge is vast and our passion for the project grew each day. We'd know instantly when we discovered a song and I would throw myself into writing the piano and cello arrangements. I knew definitively how I needed them to sound - always to support and enhance the narrative. The songs come from very different sources, two are my own compositions but I hope I have united them in their treatment and sensibility. I carried them with me everywhere, to school, to teaching, to the Royal Academy and across the world to work on them in New Zealand, at my mother Margaret's piano. 

My goal in producing these songs (and the narrative frame that informs them) is that if even one listener feels less alone, if someone reading this and listening realizes that so many others have experienced the same ordeal and survived and that recovery is possible - the project is worthwhile. After all my research and the strength I see in so many survivors of domestic abuse it was quite simply a story I felt I needed to tell. A story that can begin and end, like so many survivors' stories do, with hope.

Meredith Braun

Hampshire, UK 2017

When Love is Gone

Prologue

(Randy Newman)

She's a real emotional girl. She wears her heart on her sleeve. Every little thing you tell her, she'll believe. She really will.  She even cries in her sleep, I've heard her, many times before. I never had a girl who loved me half as much as this girl loved me. She's real emotional. For 18 years she lived at home, she was daddy's little girl. And daddy helped her move out on her own. She met a boy, he broke her heart, now she lives alone. And she's very, very careful. Yes she is. She's a real emotional girl. She lives down deep inside herself. She turns on easy - it's like a hurricane. You would not believe it. You've got to hold on tight to her. She's a real emotional girl.

Catherine

I thought I had met the man of my dreams; he seemed perfect. I was 19, full of hope and great passions. I made friends easily and pretty much enjoyed life. Steve. We instantly hit it off; he was charming and seemed very wonderful. He was older than me, but it didn't bother me. We got pretty intimate pretty soon.

Sam

He looked at me like he had just seen an angel (that was how he explained the first time seeing me). A very short time went by and he was basically living with me. We rarely argued.

(Andrew Lloyd Webber / Richard Stilgoe)

All alone. You think you're on your own. You think there's no one in the world who cares for you. That isn't true. There's me. I may not be the one you want to see but if you need someone who's kind then look behind. And then you'll find. There's me. I'll be near. Standing by. Never fear. You can cry. In a while, you will smile. And I'll be there to see. By yourself, you have to cry yourself, Nobody else can cry the tears you have to cry. But I will try. There's me. Until then, when you're ok again. You look around find I'm no longer there. I'll still be near somewhere. You're not alone, there's me. There's always me.  

Lotta

He became the air I breathed and the food I ate. We spent so much time together... he took me to work and picked me up from work.  

Jude

He would text and phone me a dozen times a day. We were so in love. Everything sorted. He told me I didn't need to work anymore and that he'd always look after me. I knew he'd had a hard time with his ex and I promised him I would always do whatever I could reassure him.

Issy

I started getting warnings from friends and family, specifically his mother, who warned me that he had a "bad temper" and could say horrible things when he was angry. I just brushed this aside as normal child/parent stuff.

(Carly Simon / Jacob Brackman)

My father sits at night with no lights on. His cigarette glows in the dark. The living room is still. I walk by, no remark. I tip-toe past the master bedroom where my mother reads her magazines, I hear her call "Sweet dreams" but I forgot how to dream. But you say it's time we moved in together and raised a family of our own, you and me. Well that's the way I've always heard it should be. You want to marry me? We'll marry. My friends from college they're all married now. They have their houses and their lawns. They have their silent noons, tearful nights, angry dawns. Their children hate them for the things they're not. They hate themselves for what they are. And yet they drink, they laugh. Close the wound, hide the scar. But you say it's time we moved in together and raised a family of our own, you and me. Well that's the way I've always heard it should be. You want to marry me - we'll marry. You say that we can keep our love alive. Babe, all I know is what I see - the couples cling and claw and drown in love's debris. You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds. But soon you'll cage me on your shelf.  I'll never learn to be, just me first, by myself. Well ok it's time we moved in together and raised a family of our own, you and me. Well that's the way I've always heard it should be, you want to marry me, we'll marry.

Rose

We married surrounded by family and friends and although the day was a whirlwind, I was happy. One day, he got very jealous when out. When we got home, he took it out on me... I chose to keep it all to myself. He soon became in control of the bills and the money in the bank.

Issy

He was this strange new man, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, incredibly sweet one moment, and explosive the next. I never knew what would set him off, He said that he got angry because of what I did or how I was; if I would just be better, than he wouldn't have to get angry. So I fixed his favorite gourmet meals, cleaned the house, said the right things and tried to change myself, thinking he would stop being angry. But he always found something else to be angry about.  

(Stephen Sondheim)

A marvellous moment. A beautiful time. I need you more than I can say. I need you more than just today. I guess I need you more than you need me and yet, I'm happy. All I'll ever be I owe you. If there's anything to be. Being sure enough of you, makes me sure enough of me. Thanks for everything we did. Everything that's past. Everything that's over too fast. None of it was wasted. All of it will last. Everything that's here and now and us together. It is marvellous to know you. And it's never really through. Crazy business this, this life we live in. Can't complain about the time we're given. With so little to be sure of in this world, hold me. Hold me.

Catherine

If I did not answer my phone he would go mad and call me every single name under the sun... I began losing weight. This one time, whilst we were out he said 'give me a minute to look at that girl'. I was shattered inside beyond repair, I had no voice. I never felt good enough or perfect enough, he would always make me feel like I was lower than dirt on the floor.

Rose

The next day he was always sorry and would never do it again. We never talked, I couldn't without being put down, and I soon learnt to completely bottle things up. I hated him touching me.

Lily

He told me he was going to explain to me what a wife's duties were and ran a list of demands for me. Being the person I am I thought I could talk my way through things and we would come to a compromise.

 

(Stephen Keeling / Shaun McKenna)

He sits across the kitchen table. I know that look, he wants to talk. It's more in sorrow than in anger. His hand plays idly with a fork, which scares me. He says he knows things have been tricky. Misunderstandings have occurred. He's written down a few suggestions. No, not commandments, that's absurd. Just rules, dear. Wake up happy, don't confront me. Don't criticise a word I say. Best not try to undermine me - that always ends in an ugly way. I'll spend time with other people, as much as I want, whenever I like. Don't compare my relationships, a thoroughbred horse is not a clapped out bike. Give me space and give me freedom. Never argue, don't you get it? I will deal with all the money. Make me feel guilty,  you'll regret it. He hopes he doesn't have to say it again. Funny his commandments should number ten. He says they will give us a fighting chance, to turn a battleground into true romance (perhaps he's right.  What do you think?) Wake up happy, don't confront me. Don't criticise a word I say. Best not try to undermine me - that always ends in an ugly way. I'll spend time with other people, as much as I want, whenever I like. Don't compare my relationships, a thoroughbred horse is not a clapped out bike. Give me space and give me freedom. Never argue, don't you get it? I will deal with all the money. Make me feel guilty, you'll regret it. I'm still living by these rules. Romance has not returned. Funny, that.

Sarah

He made negative comments about all of my friends and became angry when I spent time with them. He always had something bad to say about women, especially previous girlfriends. He would always buy very expensive top of the line stuff, his car, renovations, TV. He said that there was no such thing as racism or sexism and that he as a white male he was subjected to so much discrimination. He often hit walls, sulked, slammed doors, stomped around. After his rages he'd act like nothing happened and he'd be completely calm. Every time he was mean to me he would buy me something. When I told him I had to leave because I couldn't take his anger anymore he told me that he was not angry, he was concerned.  

(Noel Coward)

Life is very rough and tumble, for a humble diseuse. One can betray one's troubles never, whatever occurs. Night after night, have to look bright, whether you're well or ill. People must have their fill. You mustn't sleep 'til dawn comes creeping. Though I never really grumble, life's a jumble indeed. And in my efforts to succeed, I've had to formulate a creed.

"I believe in doing what I can. In crying when I must. In laughing when I choose."  Heigh ho, if love were all, I should be lonely.

"I believe the more you love a man, the more you give your trust, the more you're bound to lose."

Although, when shadows fall, I think if only somebody splendid really needed me, someone affectionate and dear. Cares would be ended if I knew that he wanted to have me near.

"But I believe that since my life began, the most I've had is just a talent to amuse." 
Heigh ho, if love were all.

Vivienne

There was one terrifying moment in the kitchen when I was absolutely convinced that he was going to hit me and I was going to die right then and there. It seemed that no matter what I did I couldn't get through to him, and he was getting angrier, nastier, and more volatile by the minute.

Lexi

Things came to a blow and I was done, and so was he. We both decided that this wasn't healthy and that all the fighting was starting to affect the kids. I remember (my mum) telling me that I was making a mistake and should try to make it work. I was ruining my family. I felt alone and scared, all those people that said they would be there for me weren't.  

(Barry Manilow / Enoch Anderson)

She's a great little housewife, though sometimes she talks like a fool. But she helps at the store in the holiday rush and she picks up the kids after school. And she puts down the phone when her husband comes home and she changes from mother to wife. 'Til she feels the words hanging between them and she hangs by her words to her life. She says, "I swear I love my husband. I love my kids. I wanted to be like my mother. But if I hadn't done it as soon as I did oh, there might have been time to be me for myself". There's so many things that she wishes. She doesn't know what she's missing. And that's how she knows that she missed. She's a sweetheart, except when she's moody. It's hard to get through to her then. Depressed for a while when the youngest was born but that happens now and again. She might take a drink with the housework. Or when Michael's kept late at the shop. A Martini or two before dinner but she always knows when to stop. She says, "I swear I love my husband, love my kids. I wanted to be like my mother. But if I hadn't done it as soon as I did, oh there might have been time to be me for myself.." There's so many things that she wishes. She doesn't know what she's missing. And that's how she knows that she missed. They used to hold hands at the movies, now it's seldom if ever they go. Once you've paid for the sitter and parking the car, there's no money left for the show. She was doing the dishes, when a glass fell and broke on the tile. She cut her wrist (quite by mistake). It was real touch and go for a while. "I swear I love my husband. Love my kids. Wanted to be like my mother. But if I hadn't done it as soon as I did, oh there might have been time to be me for myself. There's so many things that she wishes. She doesn't know what she's missing. And that's how she knows that she missed.

Catherine

I knew this was no life. No life at all. To make it worse, I found out he had signed up for a dating websites and was chatting to other girls. I was devastated, not only was he abusive - he was cheating. I confronted him, and he told me, it was all lies and denied everything. Instead, he put the blame on me and forced me to apologise. He always played this victim who supposedly had a bad childhood and no one gave him chance, which I fell for. I apologised, but I was dying inside, I had no strength for anything at all. I felt like I was losing my sanity, nothing was making sense. I was hurting and confused. Even when I cried, he would look at me and ignore me.

(Meredith Braun)

Hold me, now it's dark. Scare the dragons away. Or they'll find me here. Dying of this fear. Hold me, tell me don't. If you promise I won't ever misbehave if it's me you save. No, I don't want it darling, not really, not that. Well, ok, if you say so. I'll have a go at--- making you happy. Whatever you wish. I so want to love you. Don't leave it like this. Won't you hold me lock me in. Though no need to, you win. I know it's all my shame. I've only me to blame.

Anna

I believed it. I had always been extremely self-critical, but after a while I began to hate myself for being such an incompetent fool who couldn't do anything right. And even when I did manage to do something right it was still never quite good enough for him, so I was still wrong. I became afraid to do anything or make any decisions because I knew they'd be wrong and then I'd be lectured and overruled anyway, so why bother? Eventually I just stopped trying.

(Tom Jones / Harvey Schmidt - Stephen Sondheim)

Try to remember when life was so tender, when no one wept except the willow. Try to remember when life was so tender, when dreams were kept beside your pillow. Try to remember when life was so tender. When love was an ember about to billow. Try to remember and if you remember, then follow. Follow. Follow. No more questions, please. No more tests. Comes the day you say, "What for?" Please - no more. They disappoint, they disappear, they die but they don't...

They disappoint in turn, I fear. Forgive, though, they won't... No more riddles. No more jests. No more curses you can't undo. Left by fathers you never knew. No more quests. No more feelings. Time to shut the door. Just - no more.

Lotta

He had made me forget what was real so I let him do it, thinking I owed him this. I then plucked up the courage to tell him I didn't want anymore of this. He said "It will end when I am ready, I have control, not you".

Vivienne

Pat gave me such a vicious verbal lashing over a road map in front of the kids that that was it. My wall came tumbling down, and I snapped. I didn't scream; I didn't yell. I just calmly looked at Pat and told him not to speak to me like that, especially in front of the kids, and if he continued to treat me like that he was going to lose me. He shot back with an "I'll talk to you however I want" remark, and I repeated it again. I was dead serious. I had had enough.

(Paul Williams)

There was a time when I was sure that you and I were truly one. That our future was forever and would never come undone. And we came so close to being close. And though you cared for me. There's distance in your eyes tonight, so we're not meant to be. The love is gone. The love is gone. The sweetest dream that you have ever known. The love is gone. The love is gone. I wish you well but I must leave you now, alone. There comes a moment in your life like a window and you see your future there before you and how perfect life can be. But adventure calls with unknown voices pulling you away. Be careful or you may regret the choice you make someday. When love is gone. When love is gone. The sweetest dream that you have ever known. The love is gone. The love is gone. I wish you well but I must leave you now, alone. It was almost love. It was almost always. It was like a fairy tale we'd live out you and I.  And yes, some dreams come true. And yes, some dreams fall through. And yes, the time has come for us to say goodbye. Yes, some dreams come true. And yes, some dreams fall through. And yes, the time has come for us to say goodbye.

Jane

I still stuck around his house for a month. I couldn't face it yet. He was sleeping with other women by this point. I moved everything I could by myself, in my little car. I had lost touch with most of my friends. This was not supposed to happen to me. Smart, independent women did not allow this to happen to them. I was ashamed.

Clare

I had been told repeatedly that I was incompetent, stupid, an idiot and a moron. I believed him. I didn't think I could survive on my own, but I had no choice. In the early months I could barely function. Everything overwhelmed me. When I had my kids, just dealing with their normal, everyday activities was almost more than I could handle. Any little change in schedule would send me into a rage or a panic. All I wanted was peace and quiet and to be left alone to think, but whenever I was alone I just sat and cried for hours until I was exhausted and numb. I didn't think my body could produce so many tears.

(Meredith Braun)

God the wind blows cold inside my head. Echoing your words and all you've said.  Off you go, don't look behind you. Where you are, no one can find you. No one's gonna love you when you're dead.  All the pleasure's taken from our bed.  What's the harm? No one's gonna say you were wrong when you took away all my dignity. Everything that's me darling. When you had her could you say her name? When she looked around did she feel shame? Off you go, don't look behind you. Where you're now, no one will find you. Do you watch me begging on my knees? In our home but now, God knows who sees. How'd your friends say you'd never be quick to do what you did to me? And make believe it's me. Never let me be darling. Off you go don't look behind you. Where you're now, no one will find you.

Sam

I missed him, I still felt like I needed him, I felt like I needed for him to make up for what he did. I longed for him to be his persistent self and woo me back. All the time fearing him.

Vivienne

I forced myself to do simple things that I was afraid to do. I pumped my own gas, drove the four hour trip alone to see my parents, took my girls to see a play, maintained my old, deteriorating car by myself, went shopping and to functions on my own and forced myself not to panic or back out. I had to relearn how to keep a checkbook and pay bills. I had to open and close accounts. I was terrified. Pat had controlled all of the money for almost 16 years and he had me convinced that I was a financial moron. I had to go baby step by baby step. These simple accomplishments may seem insignificant to most, but to me they were monumental.

(Agnetha Faltskog / Bjorn Ulvaeus)

I was a loser then. But I'm a winner now. I'd do it all again, 'cause now I know how. How everything in life comes down to this, at last, surviving, and living, determined not to give in. And I'm still alive. My life is rolling on. Gently, from day to day, memories will fade away. And, I'm still alive. The agony is gone. And my mind is slowly waking. And my heart has ceased its aching. I'm still alive. I took so many blows. I cried a sea of tears. And only heaven knows how I could stand the fears. I think of all the nights I lay alone, and scared. All shattered and crying and thinking I was dying. But I'm still alive. My life is rolling on. Gently, from day to day, memories will fade away. And, I'm still alive. The agony is gone. My mind is slowly waking. My heart has ceased its aching. I'm still alive. Gently, from day to day, memories will fade away. And, I'm still alive. The agony is gone. My mind is slowly waking. My heart has ceased its aching. I'm still alive.

Jude

I'm beginning to feel better away from Michael. I enjoy being with my friends, working, talking, crying, laughing. I'm surprised when people don't judge me. I have to see Michael occasionally. I always hope that he'll be nice to me this time, But, I think, maybe I just go back to get hurt. I'm not terribly well and my brother is worried about me. Mum still thinks I'm too emotional. My son hates me and I don't understand why. I think he's only ever known everything being my fault. Money is tricky too. I had a thing with Alistair. But desperately wanted to come home the second time. Charles was sweet but we wanted different things. I really tried to love Matt but couldn't stop feeling smothered. And Jim is lovely but he's with someone and we both respect that. Michael says he wants me back.

(Nancy Ford / Gretchen Cryer)

Every time I've lost another lover, I call up my old friend. And I say let's get together.  I'm under the weather. Another love has come to an end. And he listens as I tell him my sad story. And he wonders at my taste in men. And we ponder why I do it. And the pain of getting through it. And he laughs and says, "You'll do it again". And we sit in a bar and talk till two about life and love, as old friends do. And tell each other what we've been through. How love is rare, life is strange. Nothing lasts, people change. And I ask him if his life is ever lonely and if he ever feels despair. And he says he's learnt to love it, 'cause that's really all part of it and it helps him feel the good times when they're there. And we sit in a bar and talk 'til two about life and love as old friends do. And tell each other what we've been through. How love is rare, life is strange. Nothing lasts, people change. And we wonder if we'll live with any lovers. Or if we'll spend our lives alone. And the bartender is dozing and it's getting time for closing and we figure that we'll go it alone. But we'll meet in the year we're 62 and travel the world as old friends do. And tell each other what we've been through. How love is rare, life is strange.

Nothing lasts, people change.

Vivienne

I sometimes wish he had hit me early in our relationship because then I know I would have left sooner and I wouldn't have become such a psychological mess. Broken bones heal. Psychological damage sometimes lasts forever. I was also told that in spite of being convinced that I was stupid and incompetent, I was really quite strong and smart. We victims have to be. That's how we survive.

Bella

I will just keep staying away. My kids need me in their lives and I refuse to have them grow up in an environment where there is abuse. Hey, maybe it's only a matter of time before he can justify to himself that they deserve to be punished for not listening to him.

Epilogue

(Noel Coward)

 Come the wild, wild weather. Come the wind, come the rain. Come the little white flakes of snow,. Come the joy, come the pain. We shall still be together when our life-story ends and wherever we chance to go we shall always be friends. We may find while we're traveling through the years, moments of joy and love and happiness, reason for grief, reason for tears. Come the wild, wild weather. If we've lost or we've won, we'll remember these words we say 'til our story is done. Time may hold in store for us glory or defeat. Maybe never more for us, life will seem so sweet. Time may change so many things. Tides will ebb and flow. But wherever fate may lead us always we shall know. Come the wild, wild weather. Come the wind, come the rain. Come the little white flakes of snow. Come the joy, come the pain. We shall still be together when our life story ends. And wherever we chance to go we shall always be friends. Wherever we chance to go - we shall always be friends.